Life is hard

Is it supposed to be this way, or am I different?

For years I have struggled with depression. But now, I feel like I am suffocating.

I can’t stop it.

There are so many tricks, so why wont it just go away!? Why can’t it just leave me alone. This stupid cloud of sadness just hovers over me 24/7. Barely giving me time to recover before another storm.

It dictates my life. I try desperately to stop it, I put every once of my being into it, but it seems that it breaks through every wall I put up.

And those walls block out people I love. Every time I try something, it puts up a wall between the only people I have. I ache to be normal, to be able to ignore this curse. But I can’t.

Will I ever?

Will I be forced to live with this the rest of my life, having a cloud overhead that could storm at any time. I can’t take it. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop it.

It is a pain deeper than everything. A deep, stabbing ache in the pit of my stomach, eating away at my entire being, leaving me a hollow shell of the person I used to be. But it has been so long I don’t even know who I am.

I guess that’s part of it, because, who the hell am I? What is my purpose?! Why do I feel so alone?!

Depression has a way of cutting you off, but it isn’t someone you can ignore, it comes from the inside. It cuts you from the inside.

How am I supposed to go on? I have nothing. I am nothing.

No motivation, no energy, no emotions, just pain. I don’t have myself.

My tears don’t mean anything, they just fall with no one to see. My cries with no one to hear.

My pain is utterly worthless. I am utterly worthless.

Or so I feel. It isn’t true, but isn’t it? If I can’t feel anything, can’t do anything. Then what am I? Just a husk of my body?

I’ve been told life gets better, but does it? I’ve also heard I have it all, so who the hell is right? I need to know who to scream at.

Or thank I guess. Depends which one, and my mood. Mostly on my mood.

I just can’t stand it anymore, all this hate. Hell I have a nemesis from 5th grade. Like what the fuck???

But how many can relate to at least one part of this? And how much of that was caused by somebody.

It’s no wonder I want to leave this all behind.