An Old Life

I’m in so much pain right now. I keep looking back and missing every second of my old life…no matter how brutal it was.

I even miss my tormentors.

It is a deep ache and a sharp pain stabbing at my gut, it throbs day and night, pulsating and growing. What the hell am I doing with my life? nothing, and I’m not even happy doing that nothing.

No wonder I am looking back, there is nothing to look forward to. When will the next time be that I see my friends? Months? How many months? How long until I can’t take it anymore.

I tear up at anything, at any mention of them. Smells bring me back to moments of laughter, and I cry on the inside. I feel layers off myself being ripped off with each tear. I smelt coffee brewing this morning, it brought me back to when we got Tim Horton's. For hours that was all I wanted to do. I didn’t care how cold it was, how terrible the coffee would be, I just wanted to see a friend.

The last time I saw them was a month ago. That was for 15 minutes, socially distanced for a drive-by birthday. The last time we hung out was three months ago. Three months. I had just found friends, and they’ve been ripped away.

Why does life have to be so hard? Why can’t I have a bit of good. Why can’t I just be happy.

People keep telling me times are hard. Ya, no shit. I know that everyone is struggling, that doesn’t make me feel any better. Because right now, I am struggling. There is no end in sight, which means there is no end to my pain.

How long am I just supposed to suffer, pretending that everything is fine. It’s not fine. I am not fine.

Music used to make me feel better. But my playlists are old, and all they do is bring back memories. Even the new songs. Working out used to work, but now I think of when we would workout together during break. They are everywhere, yet no where in reach.

I look back to when I was young, and envy myself. I envy the innocence. I envy how easily I was made happy.